E-Type List Members Humor


This is a collection of internet, auto and other humor that has been sent to me or the list. CAUTION: Some of them may not be "Politically Correct" or a bit risque. Proceed at your Own Risk! ENJOY!

If you have a favorite that you would like added, E-Mail it to me and I will consider adding them.

Date: Wed, 20 Aug 1997 00:22:49 EDT
From: Ben R. Schwader
Subject: Joke?

Thought this might be apropos of the e mail volume problem.

Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?

Date: Tue, 26 Aug 1997 17:33:17 -0400
From: Nick Saltarelli
Subject: Non-technical - 2+2 story

A Jaguar E-type 2+2 is pulled over for speeding. At the wheel is a late-40's guy and in the other bucket seat is his wife, quietly crocheting an afghan.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir".

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 65, perhaps your radar needs calibrating".

Not looking up from her afghan, his wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know very well this old car doesn't have cruise control".

As the officer makes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?".

The wife smiles demurely and says "I just thank goodness your radar detector went off when it did".

As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit woman, shut your yap!".

The officer frowns and says, "and I notice you're not wearing your seat belt, sir, that's an automatic $75 fine".

The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over to get my license out of my back pocket."

And the wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on, you never wear your seat belt when you're driving the Jag".

And, as the officer makes out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "YOU BLOODY COW! SHUT UP!".

And the officer looks over at the woman and says, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

to which she replies, "Oh heavens no, officer, only when he's been drinking".

Date: Wed, 27 Aug 1997 15:22:28 -0400
From: Nick Saltarelli
Subject: Non-technical - another story

A college student is going door to door looking to be hired to do odd jobs. The man who answers this particular front door looks askance at the young man and shakes his head.

The young man says, "Aw, isn't there something I can do for you? I can paint, I can clean, I can do gardens, yards - anything at all! Only $10 per hour, and I work fast! C'mon, what do you say?"

And the man at the front door hesitates and says, "Well, ok. Go out back and scrape down and paint the porch", and he hands the young man a couple of gallons of green paint, a scraper and a big brush. The young man is overjoyed, takes the stuff and rushes to the back of the house.

Three hours later, the front doorbell rings again and the homeowner finds a grinning young man with lime green paint spattered from head to foot. "All done!", he says. The fellow receives $30 for his trouble and, as he turns to leave, he stops and says,

"Oh, by the way sir, that isn't a Porsche back there, its a Jaguar".

Date: Thu, 28 Aug 97 09:08:44 PDT
From: LLoyd <3030P@VM1.CC.NPS.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Unhappy passenger

True story from "Landings DigiNews" electronic edition: An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled due to a mechanical problem.

As luck would have it, the airline left a single customer service agent with the monumental task of re booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way past everyone else in line to the front of the counter. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said: "I HAVE TO BE ON THIS FLIGHT AND IT HAS TO BE FIRST CLASS!!"

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to help you but I've got to help these folks first, then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the other passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am...??"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone and made the following announcement: "May I have your attention please..." she began, her voice echoing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 17."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "(Expletive) YOU..!!!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.

Date: Tue, 2 Sep 97 16:23:57 PDT
From: Dan Graves
Subject: Gynecologist -> Mechanic...

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic.

So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order.

So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise,he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said "no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler.

Subject: Humor (no jag content, but car related)
Date: Tue, 23 Sep 1997 14:53:30 -0700
From: Hunt Dabney

I had to share this one - please forgive the misuse of bandwidth! Also, please note, this is not my choice of "best car in the world", but it made me laugh!

A self-important young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. They cost $100,000." "That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"

Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911Turbo?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy.

"How could a moped outrun a Porsche 911 Turbo!!?!"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM! It plows into the back of his car. The young man jumps out. It is the old man!!!

Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.

He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."

H u n t D a b n e y & A s s o c i a t e s
Electronic System Development and Design
-----------------------------------------------
http://users.deltanet.com/~hdabney/
fax: (714) 540-8131

Subject:Sir William and his Guiness
Date:Mon, 06 Oct 1997 11:59:51 -0700
From:Patrick Krejcik pkr@SLAC.Stanford.EDU

Sir William was known for his love of great beers and in particular his fondness for Guiness. So after the inaugural presentation of the first E-Type at a North American automobile show the presidents of General Motors and Ford decided to take the honorable gentleman to a nearby pub that served a variety of beers.

Still wanting to show some patriotic spirit, the president of GM says to the bartender, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The president of Ford likewise says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

When the bartender turns to Sir William for his order Sir William replies "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other two look a little surprised and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and Sir William replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

Subject:Fwd: managed care joke
Date:Wed, 08 Oct 1997 17:26:56 -0700
From:Allan Mandell agm1819@idt.net

MANAGED CARE AT THE SYMPHONY

A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since she was unable to go, she passed the invitation to one of her managed care reviewers. The next morning, the president asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, she was handed a memorandum which read as follows:

  1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

  2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

  3. Much effort was involved in playing the sixteenth notes. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest eighth note. If this were done, it would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians.

  4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

  5. This symphony had two movements. If Schubert didn't achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.

Subject: Daffynitions
Date:Mon, 3 Nov 1997 20:31:43 -0500 (EST)
From:RodPolentz@aol.com

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The Statements Car Owners are Really Making:

Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars.
Acura NSX - I am impotent.
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states.
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp.
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people.
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette.
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis.
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government.
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather.
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel-well.
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower.
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
Ferrari Testarossa - I am known to prematurely ejaculate.
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones.
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all.
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit.
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle.
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen wheeler.
MGB - I am dating a mechanic.
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either.
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts.
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock.
Porsche 911 Turbo - I wear a hairpiece.
Porsche 944 - I am dating big-haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanan is a tad bit too liberal.
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu.
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet.
Volkswagen Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
Volkswagen Cabriolet - I am out of the closet.
Volkswagen Golf (Tan) - I am a loser with a piss ass job, a raging lunatic and smelly breathed geeky wimp.
Volkswagen GTI - I am very intelligent, good looking, great disposition, down to earth, and hung like a yak.
Volkswagen Microbus - I am tripping.
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife.

Subject:[E-Type] kinda dumb, but cute joke.....
Date:Wed, 05 Nov 97 08:32:01 PST
From:LLoyd

The talking frog (non-technical)

One of our computer programmers was walking across campus. He took a short cut and heard a voice cry out, "Help me!!"

He stopped, looked around, and saw a frog in the grass. The frog said, "I am not a frog! I am a woman. Please kiss me and I can return to being myself!"

He looked at this creature very curiously, picked it up and put it in his pocket, then continued across campus.

The frog kicked a time or two and said, "Hay, let me out of here! I'm a beautiful woman, and I will spend the whole weekend with you and do anything you want if you will kiss me."

He took the frog out of his picket, looked at it and smiled, then started to put it back into his pocket.

"Wait! Wait!", she cried. "I really am a beautiful woman! I'll live with you a whole year and you can do anything you want with me if you will kiss me and bring me back to myself. Why won't you kiss me?"

He replied, "I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a relationship. But a talking frog is cool."

Lloyd

Subject:[E-Type] Humour only, no jag content.
Date:Thu, 06 Nov 1997 19:57:23 -0500
From:Charles Daly

A friend sent this to me. Just passing it on, FWIW.

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God....

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beaches with clear waters and lots of beautiful women and men running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women and men playing in the water????"

"That was the demo," replied God.

Charles Daly, Toronto, Canada
62 E-Type, ots
www.passport.ca/~cdaly

Subject:Another Bill Gates Joke
Date:Sun, 16 Nov 1997 22:15:34 -0800
From:George Cohn

Now that Bill Gates is moving into his new house the following is a conversation heard last week.

Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment centre on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can un stack what you need and then put it back when you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just un install and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."

Bill: " Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."

Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house-which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."

Subject:[E-Type] [Fwd: Humor - Driving School]
Date:Mon, 17 Nov 1997 06:30:09 -0500
From: bearson

Folks -

I will post this to the List, since the theme is automotive. These are pretty funny, I think.

Bjarn

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too ____-faced to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Subject:[E-Type] XKE Humorous (no tech content)
Date:Tue, 18 Nov 1997 11:35:30 EST
From:"GEORGE M. YACUS"

Fellow Jagsters,

Since this site often contains non-technical banter and humor, I will share this tidbit that a friend sent me concerning very valuable tools that we all have used and are familiar with:

Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; its never been there when you need it. Besides there are only 10 things in this world you need to fix any car, any place, any time.

  1. Duct Tape - Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. Its safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in an easy to carry package. Sure, there's prejudice surrounding duct tape in concours competitions, but in the real world, everything from LeMans winning Porches to Atlas rockets use it by the yard. the only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.

  2. Vice Grips - Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts and wiggle-it-til-it falls-off tool. the heavy artillery of your tool box, vice grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.

  3. Spray Lubricants - A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternator, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm, repeated soakings will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Doria to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross eyed (one of the 10 worst tools of all time).

  4. Margarine Tubs with Clear Lids - If you spend all you time under the hood looking for A frendle pin that caromed off the petal valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (some of course chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.

  5. Big Rock at the Side of the Road - Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop noisy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.

  6. Plastic Zip Ties - After 20 years of lashing down stray hose and wiring with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur quality wiring from a working model of the Brazilian Rain Forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course it works both ways. When buying a used car, subtract $100 for each zip tie under the hood.

  7. Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver - Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting or mutilating than a huge flat bladed screwdriver particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for all filters so insanely located that they can only be removed by driving a stage in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver-and you will just like Dad and you shop teacher said-who cares if it has a lifetime guarantee.

  8. Bailing Wire - Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concours contenders since it works so well you'll never need to replace it with the right thing again. Bailing wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with the MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set.

  9. Bonking Stick - This monstrous tuning fork with devilish pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod-separator, but how often do you separate tie-rod ends? Once every decade if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be use to separate Tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).

  10. A Quarter and a Phone Booth - See tip #1 above

Subject:[E-Type] Non Technical
Date:Thu, 11 Dec 1997 00:44:05 -0500
From: Peter

President Clinton, VP Al Gore, and Bill Gates (who?) all were in a high speed e-type road rally, and were involved in a simultaneous fatal motor vehicle accident.

So these three important men arrived before God to be judged at the same time. The conversation went something like this:

God turns to Clinton and says, "Well, you have certainly turned your life around. You as President have increased the life standards of many people of the world. You certainly deserve to be seated here on my right side. Come right up here"

God then turns to Gore and says "I appreciate all your intentions for environmental causes and even though you haven't done very much, I have been watching you and your intentions should be rewarded. So I feel you deserve to be seated up here next to me on my left."

Bill Gates then takes a few steps up and whispers to God, "Excuse me, but you're sitting in my seat."

Peter

Subject:[E-Type] None technical
Date:Thu, 11 Dec 97 13:53:00 PST
From: Myren, Eric

Hi gang,

I saw this joke in a paper the other day.

Mr. Anderson is holding a class in biology for 12 year old girls. He asks the following question to the class.

"What organ in the human body can increase it's size 6 times (not 9 inches) and under what circumstance will it happen?"

After a quieted moment he directs the question to Sue Smith.

Sue replies with a red face: "How do you dare to ask that question? I will make sure that you will hear about this from my parents."

Without being visibly concerned, he redirects the question to Karen Sigler.

Karen replies: "The pupil of the eye when it is exposed to darkness after being in a bright light."

Mr. Anderson replies: "That is correct miss Sigler and in response to miss Smith answer I want to tell her that she has not done her homework, she has a dirty mind and that she one day will be very disappointed."

Eric

This one came from the PUB list but because it's auto related and I liked it, I'm posting it here. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Dec 1997 23:26:10 -1000 (HST)
From: Jack Butrymowicz
Subject: [pub] A fairy tale

The pope has just finished a visit to New York City and is on his way to the airport. He is going to be driven out in a Jaguar limousine. The pope sees the beautiful car and asks the chauffeur if he can drive. Well, being that it's the pope, how can the chauffeur refuse.

The pope gets behind the wheel and the chauffeur gets into the back. The pope takes off, thrilled at the ride of the Jaguar limo, he speeds up. Soon he is doing over 100 mph (160 kph).

A police man sees the speeding car, chases after it and has the car pull over. When the policeman sees who is driving, he's stunned. He goes back to his car to call the station for advice. He talks to the police captain and tells him that he has a dilemma. He says that he has pulled over a very important person and wants to know what he should do.

The captain, not quite understanding, asks if its the mayor in the car. The cop says"No, he's more important than that!". The captain then asks "Is it the governor?" The cops says" No, he's more important than that!". The captain then asks "Is it the president?" "No", says the cop, "He's more important than that!". "Well who is it ?" asks the captain emphatically. The cop, not quite sure what to say responds" I really don't know who it is, but he must be VERY important......... he has the pope for a chauffeur!"

Jack Butrymowicz

Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 11:58:41 EST
From: RodPolentz@aol.com
Subject: Joke for website