E-Type List Members Humor
This is a collection of internet, auto and other humor that has been sent to me or the list. CAUTION: Some of them may not be "Politically Correct" or a bit risque. Proceed at your Own Risk! ENJOY!
If you have a favorite that you would like added, E-Mail it to me and I will consider adding them.
Date: Wed, 20 Aug 1997 00:22:49 EDT
From: Ben R. Schwader
Thought this might be apropos of the e mail volume problem.
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
- 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed
- 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
- 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
- 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
- 53 to flame the spell checkers
- 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
- 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
- 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb
- 203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
- 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail list.
- 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
- 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
- 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
- 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
- 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."
- 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
- 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."
- 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
- 1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
- 47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
- 143 votes for alt.light.bulb.
Date: Tue, 26 Aug 1997 17:33:17 -0400
From: Nick Saltarelli
Subject: Non-technical - 2+2 story
A Jaguar E-type 2+2 is pulled over for speeding. At the wheel is a late-40's guy and in the other bucket seat is his wife, quietly crocheting an afghan.
The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph, sir".
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 65, perhaps your radar needs calibrating".
Not looking up from her afghan, his wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know very well this old car doesn't have cruise control".
As the officer makes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?".
The wife smiles demurely and says "I just thank goodness your radar detector went off when it did".
As the officer makes out a second ticket for the illegal radar detector, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit woman, shut your yap!".
The officer frowns and says, "and I notice you're not wearing your seat belt, sir, that's an automatic $75 fine".
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over to get my license out of my back pocket."
And the wife says, "Now dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on, you never wear your seat belt when you're driving the Jag".
And, as the officer makes out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "YOU BLOODY COW! SHUT UP!".
And the officer looks over at the woman and says, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
to which she replies, "Oh heavens no, officer, only when he's been drinking".
Date: Wed, 27 Aug 1997 15:22:28 -0400
From: Nick Saltarelli
Subject: Non-technical - another story
A college student is going door to door looking to be hired to do odd jobs. The man who answers this particular front door looks askance at the young man and shakes his head.
The young man says, "Aw, isn't there something I can do for you? I can paint, I can clean, I can do gardens, yards - anything at all! Only $10 per hour, and I work fast! C'mon, what do you say?"
And the man at the front door hesitates and says, "Well, ok. Go out back and scrape down and paint the porch", and he hands the young man a couple of gallons of green paint, a scraper and a big brush. The young man is overjoyed, takes the stuff and rushes to the back of the house.
Three hours later, the front doorbell rings again and the homeowner finds a grinning young man with lime green paint spattered from head to foot. "All done!", he says. The fellow receives $30 for his trouble and, as he turns to leave, he stops and says,
"Oh, by the way sir, that isn't a Porsche back there, its a Jaguar".
Date: Thu, 28 Aug 97 09:08:44 PDT
From: LLoyd <3030P@VM1.CC.NPS.NAVY.MIL>
Subject: Unhappy passenger
True story from "Landings DigiNews" electronic edition: An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled due to a mechanical problem.
As luck would have it, the airline left a single customer service agent with the monumental task of re booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way past everyone else in line to the front of the counter. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said: "I HAVE TO BE ON THIS FLIGHT AND IT HAS TO BE FIRST CLASS!!"
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to help you but I've got to help these folks first, then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the other passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am...??"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone and made the following announcement: "May I have your attention please..." she began, her voice echoing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 17."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "(Expletive) YOU..!!!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was cancelled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.
Date: Tue, 2 Sep 97 16:23:57 PDT
From: Dan Graves
Subject: Gynecologist -> Mechanic...
A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he'd become a mechanic.
So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order.
So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result. The day he received the results he got quite a surprise,he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said "no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine - a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it - a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler.
Subject: Humor (no jag content, but car related)
Date: Tue, 23 Sep 1997 14:53:30 -0700
From: Hunt Dabney
I had to share this one - please forgive the misuse of bandwidth! Also, please note, this is not my choice of "best car in the world", but it made me laugh!
A self-important young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. They cost $100,000." "That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the young man proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911Turbo?" the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy.
"How could a moped outrun a Porsche 911 Turbo!!?!"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM! It plows into the back of his car. The young man jumps out. It is the old man!!!
Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.
He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror."
H u n t D a b n e y & A s s o c i a t e s
Electronic System Development and Design
fax: (714) 540-8131
Subject:Sir William and his Guiness
Date:Mon, 06 Oct 1997 11:59:51 -0700
From:Patrick Krejcik pkr@SLAC.Stanford.EDU
Sir William was known for his love of great beers and in particular his fondness for Guiness. So after the inaugural presentation of the first E-Type at a North American automobile show the presidents of General Motors and Ford decided to take the honorable gentleman to a nearby pub that served a variety of beers.
Still wanting to show some patriotic spirit, the president of GM says to the bartender, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The president of Ford likewise says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
When the bartender turns to Sir William for his order Sir William replies "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other two look a little surprised and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and Sir William replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."
Subject:Fwd: managed care joke
Date:Wed, 08 Oct 1997 17:26:56 -0700
From:Allan Mandell email@example.com
MANAGED CARE AT THE SYMPHONY
A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony. Since she was unable to go, she passed the invitation to one of her managed care reviewers. The next morning, the president asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, she was handed a memorandum which read as follows:
- For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.
- All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.
- Much effort was involved in playing the sixteenth notes. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest eighth note. If this were done, it would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians.
- No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.
- This symphony had two movements. If Schubert didn't achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut. In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.
Date:Mon, 3 Nov 1997 20:31:43 -0500 (EST)
The Statements Car Owners are Really Making:
Acura Integra - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.
Acura Legend - I'm too bland for German cars.
Acura NSX - I am impotent.
Audi 90 - I enjoy putting out engine fires.
Buick Park Avenue - I am older than 34 of the 50 states.
Cadillac Eldorado - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.
Cadillac Seville - I am a pimp.
Chevrolet Camaro - I enjoy beating the hell out of people.
Chevrolet Chevette - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette.
Chevrolet Corvette - I'm in a mid-life crisis.
Chevrolet El Camino - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government.
Chrysler Cordoba - I dig the rich Corinthian leather.
Datsun 280Z - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel-well.
Dodge Dart - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower.
Dodge Daytona - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
Ferrari Testarossa - I am known to prematurely ejaculate.
Ford Fairmont - (See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang - I slow down to 85 in school zones.
Ford Crown Victoria - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.
Geo Storm - I will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo Tracker - I will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del Sol - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all.
Honda Civic - I have just graduated and have no credit.
Honda Accord - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45 - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6 - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Sephia - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini Countach - I only have one testicle.
Lincoln Town Car - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
Mercury Grand Marquis - (See above)
Mercedes 500SL - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.
Mercedes 560SEL - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole.
Mazda Miata - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen wheeler.
MGB - I am dating a mechanic.
Mitsubishi Diamante - I don't know what it means either.
Nissan 300ZX - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts.
Peugeot 505 Diesel - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.
Plymouth Neon - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
Pontiac Trans AM - I have a switchblade in my sock.
Porsche 911 Turbo - I wear a hairpiece.
Porsche 944 - I am dating big-haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow - I think Pat Buchanan is a tad bit too liberal.
Saturn SC2 - (See Honda Civic)
Subaru Legacy - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu.
Toyota Camry - I am still in the closet.
Volkswagen Beetle - I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
Volkswagen Cabriolet - I am out of the closet.
Volkswagen Golf (Tan) - I am a loser with a piss ass job, a raging lunatic and smelly breathed geeky wimp.
Volkswagen GTI - I am very intelligent, good looking, great disposition, down to earth, and hung like a yak.
Volkswagen Microbus - I am tripping.
Volvo 740 Wagon - I am frightened of my wife.
Subject:[E-Type] kinda dumb, but cute joke.....
Date:Wed, 05 Nov 97 08:32:01 PST
The talking frog (non-technical)
One of our computer programmers was walking across campus. He took a short cut and heard a voice cry out, "Help me!!"
He stopped, looked around, and saw a frog in the grass. The frog said, "I am not a frog! I am a woman. Please kiss me and I can return to being myself!"
He looked at this creature very curiously, picked it up and put it in his pocket, then continued across campus.
The frog kicked a time or two and said, "Hay, let me out of here! I'm a beautiful woman, and I will spend the whole weekend with you and do anything you want if you will kiss me."
He took the frog out of his picket, looked at it and smiled, then started to put it back into his pocket.
"Wait! Wait!", she cried. "I really am a beautiful woman! I'll live with you a whole year and you can do anything you want with me if you will kiss me and bring me back to myself. Why won't you kiss me?"
He replied, "I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a relationship. But a talking frog is cool."
Subject:[E-Type] Humour only, no jag content.
Date:Thu, 06 Nov 1997 19:57:23 -0500
A friend sent this to me. Just passing it on, FWIW.
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by God....
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?" "I'll leave that up to you." "Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beaches with clear waters and lots of beautiful women and men running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!" "Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, the beautiful women and men playing in the water????"
"That was the demo," replied God.
Charles Daly, Toronto, Canada
62 E-Type, ots
Subject:Another Bill Gates Joke
Date:Sun, 16 Nov 1997 22:15:34 -0800
Now that Bill Gates is moving into his new house the following is a conversation heard last week.
Bill: "There are a few issues we need to discuss."
Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter. Okay?"
Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room. We think its a little smaller than we anticipated."
Contractor: "Yeah. Some compromises were made to have it out by the release date."
Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."
Contractor: "Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room; or you can use a Stacker."
Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment centre on the couch... the chairs on the table... etc. You leave an empty spot, so when you want to use some furniture you can un stack what you need and then put it back when you're done."
Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit. The threads run the wrong way."
Contractor: "Oh! That's easy. Those bulbs aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to the new bulbs."
Bill: "And the electrical outlets? The holes are round, not rectangular. How do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Just un install and reinstall the electrical system."
Bill: "You're kidding!?"
Contractor: "Nope. Its the only way."
Well... I have one last problem. Sometimes, when I have guests over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work."
Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."
Bill: "And how do I fix that?"
Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house and then you can get back to work."
Bill: "That's the last straw. What kind of product are you selling me?"
Contractor: "Hey, if you don't like it nobody made you buy it."
Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"
Contractor: "Oh, in your next house-which will be ready to release sometime near the end of next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays..."
Subject:[E-Type] [Fwd: Humor - Driving School]
Date:Mon, 17 Nov 1997 06:30:09 -0500
I will post this to the List, since the theme is automotive. These are pretty funny, I think.
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too ____-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Subject:[E-Type] XKE Humorous (no tech content)
Date:Tue, 18 Nov 1997 11:35:30 EST
From:"GEORGE M. YACUS"
Since this site often contains non-technical banter and humor, I will share this tidbit that a friend sent me concerning very valuable tools that we all have used and are familiar with:
Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; its never been there when you need it. Besides there are only 10 things in this world you need to fix any car, any place, any time.
- Duct Tape - Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife in stickum and plastic. Its safety wire, body material, radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more in an easy to carry package. Sure, there's prejudice surrounding duct tape in concours competitions, but in the real world, everything from LeMans winning Porches to Atlas rockets use it by the yard. the only thing that can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone booth.
- Vice Grips - Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers, baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts and wiggle-it-til-it falls-off tool. the heavy artillery of your tool box, vice grips are the only tool designed expressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.
- Spray Lubricants - A considerably cheaper alternative to new doors, alternator, and other squeaky items. Slicker than pig phlegm, repeated soakings will allow the main hull bolts of the Andrea Doria to be removed by hand. Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if you look at it cross eyed (one of the 10 worst tools of all time).
- Margarine Tubs with Clear Lids - If you spend all you time under the hood looking for A frendle pin that caromed off the petal valve when you knocked both off the air cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas just so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers afterward. (some of course chuck the butter-colored goo altogether or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connected by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of Lost Frendle Pins.
- Big Rock at the Side of the Road - Block up a tire. Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop noisy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's maiming.
- Plastic Zip Ties - After 20 years of lashing down stray hose and wiring with old bread ties, some genius brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of amateur quality wiring from a working model of the Brazilian Rain Forest into something remotely resembling a wiring harness. Of course it works both ways. When buying a used car, subtract $100 for each zip tie under the hood.
- Ridiculously Large Standard Screwdriver - Let's admit it. There's nothing better for prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting or mutilating than a huge flat bladed screwdriver particularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is also the tool of choice for all filters so insanely located that they can only be removed by driving a stage in one side and out the other. If you break the screwdriver-and you will just like Dad and you shop teacher said-who cares if it has a lifetime guarantee.
- Bailing Wire - Commonly known as MG muffler brackets, bailing wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concours contenders since it works so well you'll never need to replace it with the right thing again. Bailing wire is a sentimental favorite in some circles, particularly with the MG, Triumph, and flathead Ford set.
- Bonking Stick - This monstrous tuning fork with devilish pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod-separator, but how often do you separate tie-rod ends? Once every decade if you're lucky. Other than medieval combat, its real use is the all purpose application of undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking stick. (Can also be use to separate Tie-rod ends in a pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).
- A Quarter and a Phone Booth - See tip #1 above
Subject:[E-Type] Non Technical
Date:Thu, 11 Dec 1997 00:44:05 -0500
President Clinton, VP Al Gore, and Bill Gates (who?) all were in a high speed e-type road rally, and were involved in a simultaneous fatal motor vehicle accident.
So these three important men arrived before God to be judged at the same time. The conversation went something like this:
God turns to Clinton and says, "Well, you have certainly turned your life around. You as President have increased the life standards of many people of the world. You certainly deserve to be seated here on my right side. Come right up here"
God then turns to Gore and says "I appreciate all your intentions for environmental causes and even though you haven't done very much, I have been watching you and your intentions should be rewarded. So I feel you deserve to be seated up here next to me on my left."
Bill Gates then takes a few steps up and whispers to God, "Excuse me, but you're sitting in my seat."
Subject:[E-Type] None technical
Date:Thu, 11 Dec 97 13:53:00 PST
From: Myren, Eric
I saw this joke in a paper the other day.
Mr. Anderson is holding a class in biology for 12 year old girls. He asks the following question to the class.
"What organ in the human body can increase it's size 6 times (not 9 inches) and under what circumstance will it happen?"
After a quieted moment he directs the question to Sue Smith.
Sue replies with a red face: "How do you dare to ask that question? I will make sure that you will hear about this from my parents."
Without being visibly concerned, he redirects the question to Karen Sigler.
Karen replies: "The pupil of the eye when it is exposed to darkness after being in a bright light."
Mr. Anderson replies: "That is correct miss Sigler and in response to miss Smith answer I want to tell her that she has not done her homework, she has a dirty mind and that she one day will be very disappointed."
This one came from the PUB list but because it's auto related and I liked it, I'm posting it here. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 11 Dec 1997 23:26:10 -1000 (HST)
From: Jack Butrymowicz
Subject: [pub] A fairy tale
The pope has just finished a visit to New York City and is on his way to the airport. He is going to be driven out in a Jaguar limousine. The pope sees the beautiful car and asks the chauffeur if he can drive. Well, being that it's the pope, how can the chauffeur refuse.
The pope gets behind the wheel and the chauffeur gets into the back. The pope takes off, thrilled at the ride of the Jaguar limo, he speeds up. Soon he is doing over 100 mph (160 kph).
A police man sees the speeding car, chases after it and has the car pull over. When the policeman sees who is driving, he's stunned. He goes back to his car to call the station for advice. He talks to the police captain and tells him that he has a dilemma. He says that he has pulled over a very important person and wants to know what he should do.
The captain, not quite understanding, asks if its the mayor in the car. The cop says"No, he's more important than that!". The captain then asks "Is it the governor?" The cops says" No, he's more important than that!". The captain then asks "Is it the president?" "No", says the cop, "He's more important than that!". "Well who is it ?" asks the captain emphatically. The cop, not quite sure what to say responds" I really don't know who it is, but he must be VERY important......... he has the pope for a chauffeur!"
Date: Wed, 4 Feb 1998 11:58:41 EST
Subject: Joke for website
- A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron"
- The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit. Lucky frog."
- The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
- They go to "Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit, Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks," What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
- The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
- "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."
Subject: Law Degree Is Useful
Date: Thu, 5 Feb 1998 12:32:17 EST
As both a lawyer and a certifiable car nut, I found this hilarious.
True Story (or so I was told) - I always wanted a hopped up muscle car when I was younger. I couldn't afford one. Now I can, and I have one. It's a 1970 Mustang, and her name is Bessie. Bessie is the proto-typical juvenile, male- caveman, scratch yourself and drink cheap beer car. Chromed engine, dual exhaust, 250 horsepower, big tires. I'm driving Bessie on Beach Boulevard behind an ancient guy in a beat up truck. He decides to turn in front of me without a blinker. I accelerate to swerve and avoid him, and this crazy, over-aerobicized woman jumps in front of my car with her hand up.
Meet Ethel, the neighborhood busybody/nuisance. She proceeds to yell in my window, "Hey, slow down you idiot." I'm a well-bred, mellow guy by nature, so I ignore this. As I drive away she yells "Jerk" at me again. Twice?
I turn around and drive up next to her. "Do you have a problem?" I ask.
"Yeah, why are you driving like an idiot?"
"I was driving like an idiot? How, exactly?"
"You were speeding. I watched you."
"You were? I see. How did you measure my speed?" (Ever the interrogator)
"I heard you."
"So, you measured my speed by ear?" (Ed. note: The Doppler Effect could be applicable here)
"I can hear."
"How fast did you HEAR me going?"
"Look," she says, "I don't have to take this. Here comes a cop. I'll wave him down."
THE POLICE? This woman is a trip. She waves him down, and proceeds to tell him that she observed me speeding. "What happened?" he asks.
I told him the story, and told him that I accelerated to an indicated 33 mph (the speed limit is 35) to avoid a collision.
"Are those mufflers legal?" Ethel asks.
She's pushing it. I reply, "I have a C.A.R.B. exemption for them." I give the paperwork to the cop. She tries to find another thing to screw me with.
She says, "What about those big tires? They CAN'T be legal." I began feeling little overheated gears in the back of my head start to turn.
"These tires were available on the 1970 Boss 429," I told the cop, "which makes them street legal as a replacement."
Ethel gets angry. She whines, "So you're not going to give out any tickets to this jerk?"
The cop says, "No, I am not." Now, I've about had it. So I say, "Sir, this woman told you that she left the street at the corner, and then she met up with my car here. According to Title 39, pedestrians have to cross the street at a right angle. This woman admitted she crossed at a 45-degree angle, which is a ticketable offense."
"What?" The cop looks confused.
"Also, she told you that she walked in front of my car to stop me. A citizen can't detain someone without probable cause, under Terry v. Ohio (my new favorite case). Since she couldn't measure my speed, she had no probable cause to detain me. That is an indictable offense."
The cop says, "But, I didn't see any of this."
"But," I said, "I did, and, as an officer of the Court, I can demand her arrest. I'll agree to dismiss the Illegal Detention charge, but I want her cited for not crossing at a right angle and Hazardous Conduct on a Public Street."
The cop called his Lieutenant, and after the cop told the story, the Lt. authorized the summonses. She went home with $215.00 worth of traffic tickets, and they are worth a total of four points against her license, as well as the appropriate insurance surcharge! Of course, if she demands a trial I won't prosecute. But the look on her face as she walked away was more than enough satisfaction for me. Yeah, I've got a law degree, and I'm not afraid to use it.
Subject: Re: [E-Type] Wedding coming up
Date: Mon, 23 Feb 1998 19:20:31 -0500
Congratulations on getting hitched!
She likes E's you say? Understands the addiction?! Be very careful about this! Women have been known to appear to be very interested in things that men like, or at least much more interested, prior to the nuptials than post nuptial!
You hear the one about the high school senior who was expecting to get his first sexual encounter. He went to the pharmacy and asked for some condoms.
Druggist sez "how you want them?"
Kid sez "how do they come?"
Druggist sez "one pack, 3 pack, 6 pack and 12 pack."
Kid sez "I'm kind of new at this. What do you recommend?".
Druggist sez "Well, that depends. The one pack is for someone inexperienced who just wants to be ready -- just in case of a first encounter. The 3 pack is for the experienced guy - probably get him through a full night, maybe two."
Kid sez "How about the 6 pack?"
Druggist sez "Well, that's for the college man - take you through one of those wild college weekends, probably just fine."
The kid's eyes are getting really wide with anticipation and ask - "How about the 12 pack?"
Druggist sez "That's for the married man: one for January, one for February, one for March . . .!!!!!!" ;-[
BTW - This is just a joke and not at all representative of my marriage. Usually, I am too tired to go work on the Jag! ;-]
Subject:[E-Type] Darwin Awards (non-race, quite long)
Date:Tue, 31 Mar 1998 18:46:16 +0200 (MET DST)
I thought y'all might find this interesting.
For those who don't know, the Darwin Award is made to the person who removes themselves from the gene pool in the stupidest manner, either by getting themselves killed, or curtailing their ability to procreate by causing irreparable damage to their 'equipment'.
Some unbelievably stupid people in these stories....
Darwin Award Nominees
- NOMINEE #1 [San Jose Mercury News] An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
- NOMINEE #2 [Kalamazoo Gazette] James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped around the drive shaft."
- NOMINEE #3 [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario] Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheel-chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. "It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."
- NOMINEE #4 [Hickory Daily Record] Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear
- NOMINEE #5 [UPI, Toronto] Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. He previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
- NOMINEE #6 [AP, Cairo, Egypt] Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.
- NOMINEE #7 [Bloomburg News Service, 25 March] A terrible diet and a room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was "...a big man with a huge capacity for creating [this deadly] gas." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized.
- NOMINEE #8 [San Jose Mercury News] .., in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.
- NOMINEE #9 [The News of the weird.] Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously in 1989. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. In March 1989, sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
- JOINT NOMINEE #10 On Jan. 1, 1997, Laurence Baker, also a convicted murderer once on death row, but later serving a life sentence at the state prison in Pittsburgh, Pa., was electrocuted by his homemade earphones as he watched his small TV while sitting on his metal toilet.
- NOMINEE #11["The Indianapolis Star"]. Cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
- NOMINEE #12 [AP, Mammoth Lakes] A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some foam protectors from the lift towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It was not clear if the tower he hit was one with its pad removed. "With the cold temperatures, the snow was probably pretty fast," said Donnelly.
- NOMINEE #13 [Reuters, Warsaw, Poland] A poacher electrocuting fish in a lake in central Poland fell into the water and suffered the same fate as his quarry, police said Thursday. The 24-year- old man was one of four who went fishing with a cable, one end of which they attached to a net and the other to a high-voltage electricity supply line, the PAP news agency quoted a police official in Wloclawek as saying. "For a while everything went according to the poachers' plan and they had fish in their bags. But at a certain moment the man holding the net tripped and fell into the water," the agency said. The other poachers tried in vain to revive him, it said.
- NOMINEE #14 [AP, St. Louis] Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
- NOMINEE 15 [Unknown] To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
- NOMINEE 16 [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA] Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it." Payne said. "It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set it off." I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
- AND FINALLY, NOMINEE #17 In December near Mineral Wells, Tex., three men who were attempting to steal copper wire off live electrical lines for resale were electrocuted. Copper wiring is a valuable scrap metal in Texas but is usually stolen from electric cables that are not being used.
Subject:[E-Type] A joke - non tech.
Date:Sun, 28 Jun 1998 17:59:07 +1000
I thought you should read this. Now you know what to do when someone damages your car in the shopping centre car park. Hope you don't mind the wasted bandwidth, but it's kinda car related.
Subject: FW: JERK!
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and the I'd yell, "You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is a repair man with the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jerk!" And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, There's sure a lot of jerks in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just got off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Don, you're a jerk!"
And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1. A man answered nicely saying, Hello." I yelled "You're a jerk!", but I didn't hang up.
The jerk said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah.."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
"Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jerk #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jerk!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
If you want to watch two jerks kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the evening news.
Rev Jun 29, 1998 GWC